There is a bratty, snot-nosed, red faced child living inside of me. She stamps her feet, crossing her arms and holds her breath until she get what she wants. She has been known to throw herself on the ground in the grandest of temper tantrums at the most inconvenient of times. I never know when she will appear, in a moment of sorrow, in the face of disappointment, when I have accomplished something great having allowed myself to be proud of said endeavor. There is no rhyme or reason as to her fits but they are loud and they come on strong.
She is my addiction.
She is my addiction.
I am a food addict.
I have always thought of myself as a foodie. I love to cook, I know the stats of most celebrity chefs like most people do about their favorite athlete. I have a soft spot in my heart for Geoffery Zakarian…I geeked out BIG time when I met Rocco DiSpirito, Guy Fieri and Duff Goldman. Yes, I rubbed Guy’s back like a creeper and tried really hard to hold it together with Duff to no avail. I totally had the crazy eyes. So while I consider myself a foodie I have to recognize the destructive behavior of my addiction. I want food, I want it now, and I don’t much care the quality of it or what it is. I have snarffed down multiple value meals from Taco Bell while sitting in my car, alone in the darkness of my garage. I have also considered binge eating uncooked quinoa in one moment of despair. THANK GOODNESS I chose to find another activity….that would have been painful. My addiction does not care about me, how far I have come, where I am going and how it will hurt me or those I love if I give over to it. It just wants to be fed and it wants to be fed now.
I have to choose daily to care for my addiction. It can be exhausting…no lie. I thought that it would magically disappear. Eat healthy for 9 months + workout (lose weight) = Addiction gone, right?!
Nope.
She is still here. Sometimes I give her the attention and care she needs; positive activities that work through the reason for the manifestation of my addiction. Other times I have completely given in, like a parent with a child having a full scale Stage 10 meltdown at the store over the toy that they must have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! Giving into those moments have made me feel shame, they drive me closer to my addiction, holding her close, comforting her and telling her I will just give her what she wants if she stops the insanity in this moment. But then there is another moment, and another, and another. Soon it’s not a moment but a lifestyle. I am learning to live with my addiction. It’s hard, it sucks but I am stronger than this. I was made for greater things. So were you.
I remember being a kid on my way to the movies as a family. I don’t remember the exact situation but I was sooooo excited to see a movie in the theater, as we rarely splurged like that, these outings were rare. Who knows why but I had a hissy fit right there in the mall, for God and everyone to see. A fun moment as a family was marred by my choice to be a snot. The next thing I knew my mom has us out of the mall, in the car and on the way home. She was not entertaining a fool that night. She was not going to reward my behavior. I remember having a good talk about consequences and we ended up having a good night at home as a family. This is the approach I need to take with my addiction. I cannot reward the negative behavior, instead I will redirect it, recognize it and move on.
The ability to say NO in the face of something so powerful is a beautiful display of strength. I chose daily to recognize my addiction, my weaknesses and most of all my strengths.
